8th September 2015 – Parma, Italy
Resting in the room available to me, I texted you, hoping to share one of my greatest achievement of my life. You asked ‘Why I am texting you if I am in Italy?’ I said because I want to but you became nervous and that conversation didn’t last for more than 5 minutes. I am writing this blog to tell you the real reason why I texted you that time. All the beautiful or weird backstories that happened behind the curtain of which you are unaware.
June 2011 – Kota
Didn’t want to but no other option left, I decided to take drop & come to Kota again. Guha Sir was my favourite but since I never studied to any top-notch faculty of Bansal ever during my 2 years, so I chose Allen where I can get all top teachers under one roof.
Hardly 3 days passed by, me & Ahsan while going out during snacks break, I saw you first time. You were smiling over something & putting your books inside the bag. The first moment I saw you I loved your smile so much that I said Ahsan “Me is ladki ko ek din pataunga”. He laughed & said “Ha ha dekhte he” & we left the class.
I had no idea that my life is going to change so much after that sentence. The same day after class you were standing with your friends Ila & Tanu when Ahsan said that you were looking at me & I said “ Bhai abhi se shuru ho gya tu” but for next 10 months he continuously make fun of me by your name. He always said that Akshita is looking at you & I said bro she is looking at window & then he brings his weird optics concepts to prove that. It was his favourite game 😀 😀
I am pure backbencher, never in my life I ever sit in front bench unless teachers forced me to sit. One day
Ahsan – “Aj aage bethte he”
Me – “Kyu”
He – “Are tujhe use pataana he ya nahi!!”
Me – “Nahi, me itna serious nahi. Maine us din aise hi bol diya tha”
He – (Laughed) “Accha thik he mat serious hona lekin atleast apni existence to dikha ki Shivam naam ka koi ladka he. Usko itne ladke dekhte he, baat karna chahte he, use kaise pta lagega itne ladko ke beech me tub hi he”
Me – “Ha to use pta chal bhi gaya to bhi kya hone wala he usse. Vo kabhi bhaav to dene wali nahi. Fir kya faayda”
He – “Ha to loss bhi kya usme. Agar kabhi baat karne ka chance mil gya to”
He persuaded me convincingly & that was the first time I sat on front bench with my own will. It doesn’t took much time to realise your preferred spot & I choose the one from which I can see you comfortably. And it doesn’t took much time for my feelings to grow more & more. I can now say that you were my crush, but this crush was something different, something very beautiful.
I admit I fall for your smile the first time, but as time and our classes passed by it was your big beautiful eyes that forced me to stare at you for longer time. For many days, when you were talking to Ila & Tanu, I was just drowning in your eyes thinking will I ever be able to talk to you. Thinking will it be ever possible to be true what I said the first time. Like every other guys I also become scared to talk to my crush. Also you always scored 40-42 marks more than me in unit tests. In one exam I performed so good but again you scored 41 marks more & I was like I am gonna kill this girl soon…. Hahahaha 😀 Then one day I got this plan to talk to you. I bought Add gel Achiever pen & in class, I threw that near to your foot, thinking that you will ask to me about pen. However, you asked only girls & they said No & then you keep it in your bag. I was like wth & Ahsan laughed so hard at me. & also you are left-hander and the way you write, you keep whole notebook perpendicular, I saw that writing style first time. So later, when you used my pen to write I told Ahsan that see she is writing from my pen & he said yes, she will again score 40 marks more than you from that pen. Fuck you is the only thing he deserved 😀
Things starts turning & I know you won’t believe it, when I saw your dreams back to back 40 days & every dreams comes true. I remember one which I will share with you. You & Ila were roaming in a park. Btw by that time I didn’t know Ila’s name so I was very curious to know that. So in park I asked you & you become nervous & told me to ask her directly. She said I will tell you tomorrow. The next day in class, she came late & sits in front of me. She took out here practice paper in which she has written her name & her name was in front of my eyes for enough time. I was like “Fuck man, my dreams do come true. With Akshita, there must be some different kind of connection. Fate, destiny or god, don’t know what but there is some invisible thing which wants us to be together.” I know you will find it silly but if I could remember all my 40 dreams, I would have write a whole book on it. Nevertheless, I knew by then that with you it is something different.
So after few months I become restless to know your hostel. I was living in Indra Vihar colony. Thought you live far I was imagining if I would come to know your hostel, I will roam around it no matter how far it will be. After few days I saw you in your scooty “ Honda Aviator” passing from my home. You can’t imagine how excited I was. I think your no. was MP-11 G – 6996. I don’t remember much but no. was somewhat similar to it. But I was very excited because I knew that your home comes in my way 7 then new question arises “Exactly where”. Since I was on foot, so I can’t match your speed. So a new challenge arrived. When one day I was on my way to home after meeting a friend who lives near modern public school & you passed by. I again get excited and ran behind you but you got lost. My mess owner meets me & he started preaching saying “Shivam, tubahut accha ladka he, mera 3 saal se regular customer raha he isliye samjha rha hu padhai karlo” & I was thinking Bhaiyya baad me kabhi baat kar lena abhi mujhe us ladki ka ghar dekhna he, but he consumes my 15 minutes. So I was sad & when I walk little more I saw your scooty outside of your house. I was so so so happy that you lives near my house. It was unbelievable. I literally believed there is God who is writing my story. Every evening when I go for a walk I always crosses your house in the hope that I will see you in balcony, which happened many times, & very soon, I come to know that you are living with your family, with your mom and brother.
But the biggest game of fate was still left. Please believe me whatever written here is true. Diwali was near so do our holidays. I didn’t know when you are leaving Kota but I didn’t gave it much thought because after 10 days anyhow we will be back. But one evening when I was coming from market & crossing the same road I saw you with one guy lifting your bag & putting it auto. I was shocked that man I just thought once & here I got my answer. I was happily going home but suddenly this conversation happened –
Heart – ‘Shivam you should follow her’
Mind – ‘Wtf you are talking, how can he follow her?’
Heart – ‘I don’t know, just go follow her, go to railway station’
Mind – ‘Don’t talk nonsense, she is in auto, there is no point following her’
Heart – ‘ Shivam, you are failing anyway, what if you meet her in station and you both see each other and she will recognise you & realise that you came for her. Who knows she will start liking you after then. I know there’s very less possibility but just go for it. & why fate show you today at the perfect time that she is leaving now. She might have gone earlier or later, but you saw her at the perfect time. Why ? “
& my mind has no answer so I finally go with my heart. I rushed to my home, took the money, take the first auto and proceed towards railay station. That 40 minute ride was one of my most nervous ride. But I was like I will saw you & talk to you there. But when I reached there I was shocked. When I saw the display I didn’t know which train you are taking because I didn’t know from which city you belong & also there was a huge rush. As I entered the platform I was like fuck man, there is huge crowd, how will I find her in these 5 platforms. First I thought to go to every platform & search you but then I decided to stand at overbridge & look for you from there. For 15 minutes I looked for you but didn’t saw you. I felt I was foolish that I come so far. She will never come to know what did I did for her. & as soon as I turned back I saw you entering the platform, among all the crowd, carrying your trolly bag. Thought you will go to other platform & you’ll cross this overbridge but you walk on same platform. Then I run so hard & as I reached Platform 1 I again lost you. I walked almost at last and suddenly I saw you. Your relative was there so I was nervous but was excited. & then you saw me too. We looked at each other for some time. I was sitting there till your train comes & you get inside of that AC Coach & train left. It was the happiest moment of my life. It was complete hopeless situation but in the end I met you.
January, when we love sunshine, I was planning to go to market. But I thought to pass from your house first. Just like that, hoping that might be today I will see you again. & I saw you were studying in balcony and suddenly you stood up, resting your hand on the rails, and had a look around. Since it was the ending time of our kota days, so I thought to stare at you directly in front of you. It’s now or never. One guy who was crossing by literally laughed hard after seeing me staring at you 😀 😀 😀 Don’t know how I become so bold that time. Maybe I had nothing to lose. But then you saw me too & you looked away. After few seconds you went inside & I thought you went to call your mom. I got little scared so I moved little far but then I saw you turned back looked at me again and again run inside. That was so so so amazing that even today after 6 years when I think about that I smiled. Wish you will ever do that again to me J
13th February – My last day in Allen & that last day I decided to talk to you. I met you on that small bridge. I stopped you in between. I was so scared & I forgot all the lines I prepared to initiate the conversation. I wanted to tell you how many amazing memories you have given me in these 10 months. But when I said I wanted to tell you something, you said “ Jo bhi bolna chahte ho mat bolo”. I said “ Lekin mujhe bolna he” & you replied “ lekin mujhe nahi sunna hai” . I lost my temper for which I am saying sorry now. That was the last time when I was meeting you & I didn’t wanted to left it incomplete. But you panicked more than me and you were running away & I also said “ Bye” thought that it’s so weird how this beautiful story is going to end. There’s nothing like fate, destiny etc. I was foolish that I think too much. It was nothing. That’s how it’s going to end. & I decided not to go from that road again.
When everything was finished, & for about 1 months I restrained myself from going to that road, there was still a question in my heart “When are you leaving from Kota permanently?” But my mind always restrained me back saying it was the end. Everything was illusion. Leave it right now. Don’t put yourself in misery. & one evening I thought let’s go, anyway there’s very less probability that I will see you,so no harm.
When I reached that turn I saw an auto standing in front of your house. I didn’t know your dad that time. So for me a man was loading the luggage in that auto. Suddenly I saw your brother coming from behind & loading the luggage too. My legs shaken & my heart & eyes starts searching for you. I walk little more & I saw your mom standing on the gate with some more bag & tears starts rolling my eyes. I really wanted to see you badly. Then from the other side of road I saw you were coming. Blue jeans & white top, your face was also down. I was on the other side of road,really wanted to cross that barrier, stand in front of you & give you a hug but your parents were nearby & most importantly IIT exam was near. I stopped myself thinking that if I do that it might affect your studies. SO I stopped. Few minutes later you with your whole family left in front of me. I holded my tears for long but when I came home I simply couldn’t.
I thought maybe that’s how my story is going to end. Ahsan said atleast you were lucky that you saw her last time. I realised destiny exist. It was the perfect time, just like that Diwali scene, when I see you not before not after but at the perfect moment. I realised how come my one sentence and your one smile changed my whole journey. I realised how much I hated you in that last 1 month only because I loved you so much .
I thought that was the end. But after 7 years here we are again. Thought to tell you my story so many times but never found the right time but I feel before you also get engaged, I should tell you all this. You really deserved to know what happened behind the backstage. What makes me to text you in Italy & what makes me eager to talk to you before leaving to Germany. You deserve to know that though we don’t talk much often but still we have so many knots connected. YOU DESERVE TO KNOW.
P.S. – YOU ARE VERY BEAUTIFUL.